Bouncy Rhymes and Poems for Performance
I hate bad spelling & a friend pointed out that ‘Slay Bells’ meant something VERY different from ‘sleigh bells’.
Slay bells ring, are you listening ?
Down his neck, blood is glistening
A beautiful sight
A bit of a fright
Murder in a winter wonderland
Gaseous Poo was a boxer
He floated just like a bee
He stung like a butterfly
sat on a peach, inserted rectally.
He floated on top of the water
A legend all bubbly and brown –
Knowing the crowd would try to enshroud
him with tissues – refusing to drown.
He was down but by God he was fighting
He was not going to let it all end
No miserable flush or stab with a brush
Could push him around the bend.
’cause Gaseous was a survivor
He’d been dumped and was shat on you see
But do not despair because Gas’ll be there
The next time you come in to pee.
In the twenty first century man will be
Still arguing and fighting tribally
For some it is land and some religion
For some it’s the game on television
So here’s what I want to impress on you
If you’re one of them I think less of you
I’ll get a work life balance
when I die & go to heaven
WORK is worth eleven points
but LIFE’s worth only seven
I don’t want to exercise
I just wanna be a smaller size
I’ve tried everything and I’ve realised
My waist will not be hypnotised
I haven’t run – what I’ve done is fuck all
My gut hangs inches over my buckle
The pants I buy are labelled ‘L’
as in ‘Lard’ or ‘Lead’ or ‘Fed quite Well’
My belly is jelly one minute then solid
My flat’s full of crap from the takeaway – squalid
Getting caught with the thought of a jog makes me shiver
I’d walk to the pizza place – but they deliver
I don’t want to exercise
I just wanna be a smaller size
There’s gotta be an easier way to do it
Sennakot and a pot and I just sit and poo it ?
It’s important I oughtn’t ignore my inflation
My waist’s got the taste for some exaggeration
No lotion or potion or pill’s going to cut it
(Must) take hold of my cake hole I’ve just got to shut it
The squirrels invited the pigeons
To a party, they said “Come in grey
We’ve invited along all the foxes
And Scruffy the neighbourhood stray”
“We’ll see you at seven / half seven
You don’t want to miss the buffet
There’s chicken we found at eleven last night
that had only been there for a day”
The pigeons were really excited
They fluttered and flapped and they cooed
I don’t think they thought about foxes
And what they consider is food
The pigeons arrived at half seven
The foxes were fashionably late
But instead of a nice bit of chicken
It was all of the pigeons they ate
The squirrels were rather embarrassed
(And covered in feathers and beak)
But the foxes were quite unrepentant:
“Let’s do this at our place next week !”
Last week, in news we don’t really care about, a dog called Pudsey won a TV talent contest. Pudsey is the name of a one eyed teddy bear that raises money for children. Judging by its eye patch, I like to imagine it’s a pirate, stealing money from Portuguese ships bring gold back from the New World … but it might just be a stuffed bear.
A dog named after a bear,
(Not a real one but one that is stuffed,)
has more talent than all of the country ?
I can’t bear it I’ve just had enough
Mr Banana came to tea
For Mr Banana unfortunately
Mr Banana looked tasty
So we ate Mr Banana for our tea
Eleanor posted :
Quote of the day from my physiotherapist:
“The buttocks really are the root of all evil.”
“The buttocks are the root of all evil”
my physiotherapist said,
“From the minute you’re up in the morning
to when you lie down in your bed,
your buttocks are plotting your downfall
creeping up on you from behind.
I have seen a posterior inducing hysteria
in an inferior mind.”
It bothered me for a moment
but the feeling I’m sure will pass
Just for now though emotion’s beneath me
I don’t want to be seen as an arse.
A crocodile is poikilothermic, that’s how crocodiles are:
without an external source of heat a crocodile won’t get far.
Your temperature is ninety eight point four in Fahrenheit
But for a crocodilian, no one number is right
They’re colder when it’s colder out, they’re hotter when it’s hot
But test it with a thermometer ? My advice is – better not.
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