DomDog

I don’t want to exercise

May 31, 2012 by Dom

I don’t want to exercise
I just wanna be a smaller size
I’ve tried everything and I’ve realised
My waist will not be hypnotised

I haven’t run – what I’ve done is fuck all
My gut hangs inches over my buckle
The pants I buy are labelled ‘L’
as in ‘Lard’ or ‘Lead’ or ‘Fed quite Well’

My belly is jelly one minute then solid
My flat’s full of crap from the takeaway – squalid
Getting caught with the thought of a jog makes me shiver
I’d walk to the pizza place – but they deliver

I don’t want to exercise
I just wanna be a smaller size
There’s gotta be an easier way to do it
Sennakot and a pot and I just sit and poo it ?

It’s important I oughtn’t ignore my inflation
My waist’s got the taste for some exaggeration
No lotion or potion or pill’s going to cut it
(Must) take hold of my cake hole I’ve just got to shut it

Hear It !

Filed Under: Doggerel

Squirrel Party

May 18, 2012 by Dom

The squirrels invited the pigeons
To a party, they said “Come in grey
We’ve invited along all the foxes
And Scruffy the neighbourhood stray”

“We’ll see you at seven / half seven
You don’t want to miss the buffet
There’s chicken we found at eleven last night
that had only been there for a day”

The pigeons were really excited
They fluttered and flapped and they cooed
I don’t think they thought about foxes
And what they consider is food

The pigeons arrived at half seven
The foxes were fashionably late
But instead of a nice bit of chicken
It was all of the pigeons they ate

The squirrels were rather embarrassed
(And covered in feathers and beak)
But the foxes were quite unrepentant:
“Let’s do this at our place next week !”

Filed Under: Doggerel Tagged With: chicken, fox, pigeon, scruffy, squirrel, stray

Gone to the Dogs

May 14, 2012 by Dom

Last week, in news we don’t really care about, a dog called Pudsey won a TV talent contest. Pudsey is the name of a one eyed teddy bear that raises money for children. Judging by its eye patch, I like to imagine it’s a pirate, stealing money from Portuguese ships bring gold back from the New World … but it might just be a stuffed bear.

A dog named after a bear,
(Not a real one but one that is stuffed,)
has more talent than all of the country ?
I can’t bear it I’ve just had enough

Filed Under: Doggerel Tagged With: #bgt, Britain's got Talent, dog, pudsey

Mr Banana

April 21, 2012 by Dom

Mr Banana came to tea
For Mr Banana unfortunately
Mr Banana looked tasty
So we ate Mr Banana for our tea

Filed Under: Doggerel, Songs Tagged With: banana, tasty, tea

Buttocks

April 17, 2012 by Dom

Eleanor posted :
Quote of the day from my physiotherapist:
“The buttocks really are the root of all evil.”

“The buttocks are the root of all evil”
my physiotherapist said,
“From the minute you’re up in the morning
to when you lie down in your bed,
your buttocks are plotting your downfall
creeping up on you from behind.
I have seen a posterior inducing hysteria
in an inferior mind.”

It bothered me for a moment
but the feeling I’m sure will pass
Just for now though emotion’s beneath me
I don’t want to be seen as an arse.

Filed Under: Doggerel Tagged With: arse, buttocks, downfall, evil, hysteria, inferior, physio, physiotherapist, plotting, posterior, Ridware, root

Crocodiles

April 15, 2012 by Dom

A crocodile is poikilothermic, that’s how crocodiles are:
without an external source of heat a crocodile won’t get far.

Your temperature is ninety eight point four in Fahrenheit
But for a crocodilian, no one number is right

They’re colder when it’s colder out, they’re hotter when it’s hot
But test it with a thermometer ? My advice is – better not.

Filed Under: Doggerel Tagged With: cold, cold blooded, crocodile, hot, poikilothermic, science, temperature, thermometer

Dawdling

March 30, 2012 by Dom

Some poets write verse about clouds or butterflies or love.
My muse is often a little less … lofty

I deprecate dawdling
These slatterns of sloth
Pedestrian walkers
Who saunter and loaf
Go walk in the country
On footpaths through trees
Or buck the fuck up now
Just hurry up please
Walk with some purpose
Or stride with intent
Don’t browse through the Metro
Phone messages sent
Don’t cling to your boyfriend
The couple chicane
Move along, step aside now
You drive me insane

This verse brought to you by the muttering man behind you at London Bridge station.

Filed Under: Doggerel Tagged With: boyfriend, country, couple, dawdling, hurry up, insane, loaf, metro, phone, saunter, stride, walk, walker

Rhymed anapaestic dimeter

March 5, 2012 by Dom

It would have been Dr. Seuss’ 108th birthday last week (2nd March 2012), if he hadn’t died at a perfectly reasonable age for that activity in 1991.
Lots of people did wonderful things to celebrate the fact that he wasn’t 108, presumably because they like 2²x3³ or the fact that like Bart Simpson, Theodor Giesel was born in Springfield – just earlier.
To be honest, I don’t know, but I read a really annoying article in the New Yorker that seemed to be exactly what Theodor Giesel was not – pompous, ostentatiously learnèd and overly fond of italicised French and Latin.

You might notice it’s not written in the structure of the title.
You might get out more. I’m just saying.

“Rhymed anapaestic dimeter” he said
I’ve got rhymed anapaestic di-thing in my head !
This pestilent prosody runs through my brain.
from my head to my dimetric feet this refrain
goes on pulsing, convulsing and bouncing around,
demonic, these phonics, they pound out their sounds
like trains tritter-trattering over a track.
Anapaests are just dactyls that read from the back.
A dimeter’s simply a line with two feet
like drawing a stickman that’s not quite complete.
And this counting of syllables isn’t as fun
as bumping along with them one lump by one –
besides I prefer to be metricly loose
(and remember that Seuss rhymes with Joyce and not noose)
So if someone takes your verse and tries to dissect it
I suggest – have a tantrum – why not go apoplectic ?
and tell them this rhyming was writ with aplomb
and it’s best if it goes tiddley-om-tiddley-pom

Filed Under: Doggerel Tagged With: 108, birthday, giesel, rhyme, seuss, springfield

Carbaminohaemoglobin

December 31, 2011 by Dom

I received a challenge on Twitter yesterday via a friend, @hamstall.
It said :

@mynameisedd: The first rapper to make a rhyme with “carbaminohaemoglobin” will get my eternal respect.”

I couldn’t resist, so here’s my response.

CO2 gets bonded tight
Locked in your erythrocytes
Harbour me no fear or loathing
Carbaminohaemoglobin

Filed Under: Doggerel, Writing Challenge Tagged With: blood, cells, challenge, CO2, erythrocytes, haemoglobin, rap, red, rhyme, science

The Dead Badger Song

June 8, 2011 by Dom

My friend Steph thought it would be impossible to write a song about a dead badger. I’m not fond of the word ‘impossible’ when applied to song and poems. So Steph, this one’s for you.

The Dead Badger Band played exclusively rock
There was Stripey and Digger and of course there was Brock
Their amps were the biggest that money could get
So large that they didn’t quite fit in the sett !

Stripey played keyboards and Digger he drummed
While Brock played guitar as he sang and he hummed
They were called The Dead Badger Band (so Stripey said)
because they were Badgers and because they were dead

The Doctor had given them his diagnosis
“You’ve all got a bad case of tuberculosis”
Now a badger’s a sturdy and healthy wee beast
But a dose of TB makes him quickly deceased

So our heroes decided they just wouldn’t cop it
They’d stay here as ghosts and they’d rock till they drop it
Being undead would give them more time to rehearse
And they’d drive to their gigs in a second hand hearse

So now every night of the week they play mostly
Ethereal music that’s heavy but ghostly
They’ll go up to heaven, but not til the Lord
Says they can rock – not play harp- they’d be bored.

Filed Under: Songs, Writing Challenge Tagged With: badger, brock, dead, dead badger, steph